This will be painstakingly long. After reading this post, I most likely will not be friends with you, nor will I possibly be friends with myself.
Anyway, my reign of terror at Gotham is ending today as three new, clearly inferior interns take my and Catherine’s places. Message to the new interns: run away when you see an opening. But actually, you’re about to have the most awesome office experience imaginable with a bunch of lovable whackadoos who actually care about what you think and don’t subjugate you to typical I’m-gonna-make-you-my-personal-bitch-get-my-coffee-you-pleb intern hell territory.
But let’s talk about me! Better yet, let’s talk about me with me! I am now going to conduct an interview with myself:
Justin: I laud you for your survival tactics, being the last intern standing, enduring the hellish wrath of the Gotham staff.
Justin: Thanks. I laud myself, too. Yeah, it was difficult getting to the end, but, alas, I am not dead. Rather, I feel quite alive right now. I’ll probably buy myself a pink lemonade Monster Rehab and blood orange Chobani to celebrate.
Justin: Justin, I can’t keep up with this Gotham-was-hell facade any longer. It’s…it’s morally compromising. You had a great time. You learned a lot.
Justin: Never! It was oppressively small and everyone is evil!
Justin: (gives Justin the mental side-eye)
Justin: Oh, all right. I…as much as it pains me to say this…had an absolutely fantastic summer. Being surrounded by passionate, quirky, intelligent positively insane captors…I mean coworkers!…has shaped me profoundly.
Justin: Better, better. Now what did you learn?
Justin: (deep breath) I learned that even the smallest contributions and projects can yield substantial impacts. Even though the Nuyorican hasn’t answered me yet, I know that taking that initiative has the potential to bring about something far greater and, even if it doesn’t. a thought can go a long way. Corporate writing sucks, but I’m learning to cut back the quirky bits I find interesting and would want to read in others’ letters. Additionally, yoga is awesome. Dana’s yoga class is top notch and has elucidated the physical and mental benefits of yogic practice, which is something I plan to keep up with in school. Can I stop yet? I’m choking on my own sincerity.
Justin: Yes, you can stop. That was beautiful, Justin. Just beautiful.
\(^.^\) \(^.^)/ (/^.^)/
Time for the shout-outs! Woo! This post is about to be a virtual yearbook (even though my co-workers all signed a yellow felt cowboy hat, which is a memento I shall treasure 5eva) and all the feels are coming up – I feel sick. I’m having emotional indigestion, a sentimental noro virus. It’s coming…it tastes terrible…BLEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH:
J the Elder: I can never unhear the Beauty and the Beast story. The offensiveness! The inappropriate shameful hilarity! You’re a funny dude (especially when reciting that thing you recite with Britt) and Willow is the cutest little creature I’ve seen in a while. I wish I saw your show, but your fangirling upon realizing that Lily Tomlin is gay was a pretty good show to watch. It’ll be difficult to just be “Street” rather than “Big J” or “J the Elder,” but I think you’ll survive (barely, but still).
(Not Ryan) Britt: Oh, how I shall miss the doobiest of skirts! Even though you shamed my family, your omniscient knowledge of cultural references is something to be commended (or the subject of mockery, depending on if your critic has a life or not). I really am thankful for your immediate and unwavering support of my slam poetry endeavor – shockingly, I’ve never read any of your work, which should change. Your personal stories, whether hilarious or tragic, are always entertaining and greatly affected the office ambiance in the best, gayest and doobiest ways possible. Oh, and thanks for the Macbeth tickets! Alan Cumming is da b0$$.
Kelly Caldwell AKA Ramona Havoc: Even though Catherine bested you in the prestigious “Bitch Contest,” don’t let that take away from your self worth! As Piper said, “bitches gots to learn,” and you are very learned, thus you are not a bitch. Knowledge > bitchiness. You’re easily one of the most magnanimous people I have had the pleasure of meeting. Thanks for encouraging me with my playwriting promotion project – stay evil!
Momma D: If Bradley Whitford is the commencement speaker at Wes, expect a call. Thank you for exposing me to the yoga mat and, more importantly, thank you for supporting my endeavors, listening to my ideas and shaping this internship experience to be the best summer job (or maybe summer) I’ve had. It astounds me how you do the work of twelve people and simultaneously maintain such an upbeat and positive demeanor. Thanks for making my time at Gotham a possibility – it really means a lot. Oh, let me know what you think of the playlist!
Birthday Boy: I’m glad you don’t want me to die. I don’t want me to die, either. Here’s a song. Imagine me singing it. It took me a while to understand your terrible, terrible humor, but now I do and I love that it complements my terrible, terrible humor. Thank you for making this possible – you weren’t a terrible boss, I guess. Stay bourgie; pop mollies.
To everyone: I’m actually going to miss you all. That means I developed an emotional attachment to each of you in some way, which means I have a soul, which means my life is a lie. I guess I’m thankful for this identity crisis.
Remember, it’s all about that
Read Buzzfeed and think of me.
And now I depart. C u at da xmas partay!!!! ~~
Love and dragons,
Since this began with a Batman quote, it should end with a Batman quote.
Rottelli: What’s with that stupid grin?
The Joker: Life’s been good to me.
Gotham’s been very, very good to me. Again, thanks for everything.